Heartbreak Thoughts
Square One
Too good for her
The ego was again
cut off
and she
a skinned body
sent back to
square one.
this time
it feels like forever.
The boys said
she was only trying to be
like them
and the community
said the same
and so her voice was taken,
along with any accomplishment made
by her own efforts to exist,
and were included in
their severance packages.
She forgets
where she was growing
or what she was building…
she had figured
there was a root
that she was carrying…
Put
to square one
she knows not
who she is
made of
inside this foreign
territory.
Oh, but what silence,
this magnificent blanket
of zen,
forced
by loss of place
and form
and belonging to
self or
anybody.
She forgets what
she likes
She forgets what
she felt like
to be content
she is just nothing
she is a skin caretaker
perhaps…
a grower of limited edition
heads…
===
It’s the end of you
and you were quite small
once I allowed the rain to thaw
the cold heartache that I knew you to always paw
with intention into gentle fabrics of my chest that falls.
Here the curtain of my stage is ripped and stressed
as the burgeoning creature you clawed without rest
is not but the self that could not be blessed,
who thirsted for he who wanted she who was best.
I was at your behest when I wasn’t chasing a door
to be honest I was sure I was running from
gore of being the other half
of something not amor.
Then what for then what for?
I asked.
I see now it was three you adored after all
And yet I still wonder at moments raw
when we were one
why all of that fun didn’t make any sun that could
shine too.
Well
The wounds on my soul are quite thick and forgone
so the only thing I can do is lick and move on.
===
Your Son
Gemini rough man
your son is Narcan.
I was high on the sights
he had set for me and
I couldn’t see the ending
of light sent for free.
What a fee
This plight that he set on me
When I couldn’t be of use.
It was sure to tighten a belt
or two
like a blade or a noose.
Preventing all hopes of fight or flee
I see the end of a certain glee.
No joy can I now feel from he
who had provided me his muse.
So I guess now i’m just your waif
never svelte and always chaste
for my pelt is scoured
and scored as waste
as he deemed me a boar
with crooked gait
needing glue.
Not recognizing his reflection from you
looming faint,
I am the shadow he ignores
while you taint Hollywood lore
for his next mate.
I’m not just tossed,
I’m cored and ate.
===
I loved the color of your eyes
I loved your hands
I loved your hugs and your thighs
I learned to love sister kisses on demand
and loathed serious ones I had learned not to miss
not able to resuscitate my own after they had been dismissed
the sensual turned to stone
and fired from a neglected throne
still I loved marital bliss
I loved the walks arm in arm
I loved the dates and old school charm
I loved being spoiled by attention and yarns
though you never let me love corn
and always had to be above
the horn in the yard
You made me sick to save the day
in ways I had never been before
in ways that were hard to say
in the temple of a self, abhorred
a self destined to slave away
under the tyranny of your chords
I loved being told I’m pretty
I loved all the photos you took
I loved cooking little things for little breakfast nook
I loved sleeping side by side after reading our own books
even though side by side is the reason why
we’re cooked.
===
I am sorry
I am sorry if I slandered
I am sorry I obsessed
I am sorry I couldn’t love unconditionally
I am sorry if I destroyed
I am sorry if I broke a heart
I am sorry if I lost myself
I am sorry if I kept parts
I am sorry if I stole light
I am sorry if I infested with my problems
I am sorry if I took power
I am sorry if I couldn’t follow a good leader
I am sorry if I took a voice
I am sorry if I stole a bed.
===
Monday
what am I gonna do?
where am I gonna go?
i’ve got no wind a’blowin’
my water’s got no flow
I thought that I was leavin’
it seems i’ve got to stay
I thought you were just fleeting
but maybe you’re my bay.
===
Brought Down
Brought down to the level of the mean one
Living next door to
The whore
Don’t rhyme to bore with sadness
we know we were thrown here
Discaded after
Intense Misuse.
Murdered inside of the shoe of
a foul and perverted creature.
Sour mouth and lacking trowel
the fellow grew ripe and she picked him
and she ate him.
He tasted of many things and among the least of them
was the stench of trauma
and foul play—-
a level of grime and slackness that
even the wackness
couldn’t wash away.
She was sure to tell him that his taste was off.
She had loft that he could never comprehend
An impeccability that could not be measured
by fact alone.
###
The lore between me and you whose feet I grew—
I lost your feet and then found them all the same.
Who’s to blame, we never knew,
Though, I had a clue it was you
With the dew on hands.
Was I always playing in a puddle for you?
###
He gave her a clue of his demands to quit this life—
What side must she be on?
Tugging on a rope, he hopes it’s not just him on his island
and that the cause for all of this commotion is
how he must stand by her side.
watching her drown, he likes her in hiding
her absence allows a better he than ever was
erasing the pawn, jester, clown, hypnotist, thief, wheel-chair bound
her blood on the other end of the line
allowing his
miraculous transformation
to climb.
###
Her heart to be rescued
why not fake a lasso and reel her in
for her lessons in kindness?
Teach me, she says.
Teach her, he does.
###
The heart sauntering back and forth between
love and hate
curse and blessing
heart and no heart
silence and sound
back and no back.
She lacks the cornerstone for his house of tangled eyes.
###
Cleaning it and pulling it apart
Alone
In the night
She waits for it to unfurl and
set her free.